Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

I'm not going to reintroduce myself, I'm over that sh...! And I'm not going to lie and say I'm over the moon about being back; more blogging, more drama. I'm inviting stalkers, hurt feelings, judgment and the list goes on, but I just can't abandon my baby, or can I? So here I am, hopefully raw as ever.

So in the last year we've matured a bit, even though I thought I knew all that I could last year; "whatever!". It's been an interesting time away, nothing out of the ordinary though, a few heart breaks - pain, confrontation, illness, laughter, love, lost friends, new friends, all the happenings of life. All I have really learned is to keep my big mouth shout; "it is what it is". You could say I've been awakened in some sort of way. Hopefully I've got my priorities right "mmmm!" eg. hubby, child, mother, father, siblings, family, friends? etc. "We never have our priorities straight."

Hubby is good, although there's this odd silent secret something lingering in the air. We all know what it is but it's yet to be discussed. I should say it's been a interesting two weeks, "tension is sexy, lol" good tension that is. I have to add this little bit because I know he's going to read this, "It's hard to talk to someone who sees things in black and white, and who doesn't get excited like the normal person (just to quote hime there)". But we still love each other, and the normal is not always good, I'm thankful at times for the abnormal. Any who, I hate to talk about my marriage online, it's just weird, so I'll leave it at that.

Child - my child, Samara, the love of my life; she's a big girl now, she's even given me a nickname, "MIMA", that's when she's happy with me. She loves to love, just like the mother and she's happy. She drives me crazy at times and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Friends, we'll skip that bit, LOL, "kidding". I wish a few things could be better, but like I said earlier, "It is what it is". As you get to know your friends you know when your opinions are welcome and not welcome. To be honest most things I find petty and don't like to waste my time on negative energy. My motto is, "fix it if it's broken and MOVE ON!" Why dwell on the past or be right all the time. If you know you're right that's good, you don't need to prove it to anyone, life's too short. Oh by the way, I want new teeth. A piece of useless information there. I just wanted to prove to the males out there that women also think about random things at odd times. I have good teeth but porcelain veneers wouldn't hurt. I often daydream about what I would do with my body/life if/when I'm rich; it puts me in a good mood. AND going back to the serious stuff.

I miss my mommy, really my whole family. At these times (the depressing recession). Recession, recession, recession, I'm sick of that word, but anyway, at these times is when you want to be close to family. I'm ready. If I was offered doe, I would be on the first flight to Zimbabwe, "okay I'm starting to reason with myself right now. Stop it! Yes I would". I'd rather be poor and happy with my family, period!

Recovery was hard, I don't want to relaspe. Computer addiction is not a joke, with that said, it's time to pen off (so old fashion, pen off, where did that come from, back in the letter writing era).

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Sometimes you just don't have a title and this is one of those times!

I’ve finished the book, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die well like a week ago (show off). It’s so hard to finish anything when you’re a mother, wife, friend, sister, and the roles go on. I have a few friends of mine looking for me, apparently I have gone back into hibernation, Again! well that’s me, I like to hibernate. I can’t cope with too many things happening at once. It’s like my body goes into shock and all I want to do is hide away in my closet; oh well those are issues I need to deal with, just like the running away thing; you'd be glad to know that I haven’t had those thoughts of late. Anyways, I’ve started reading Reposition Yourself: Living Life Without Limits, TD Jakes book. My husband is reading it and he’s almost done which is precisely why I need to read it. I know he’s a big fan of TD Jakes but I didn’t expect him to start READING his books. Another factor which played into my reading this book, was when he (TD Jakes) said on Dr Phil (I'm a homemaker what do you expect, I was bound to watch him) that “Marriage is for grown ups" he couldn’t have been more right. At 17 I wanted to runaway (again runaway) and get married to my hubby (that’s how long we’ve been together) I thought it would be like a mini vacation with no parents, (hallelujah) guess what, the vacation ended before it started. Look here, I love my hubby and all but marriage can be a bitch (lack of vocabulary there) and it certainly ain't for babies.

I’ve been reading early in the mornings whilst killing myself on the treadmill, and yes I’m back at the gym. I go mornings just to avoid, you know, those cute 18 years olds with perfect bodies. Those youngster don’t have the balls to wake up at 5am (right back at you), so I’ve eliminated that competition. The only problem is I’m now competing with the insomniac hardworking baby boomer's, (hell I can’t get it right, can I?) 5.45am-7.45am is the only time I have for “Me time” so that’s become my favorite time of the day and it’s been good. I feel energized, I’m not too obsessed about losing the weight like "yesterday", I think it’s the cold realization after trying numerous fad diets and knowing that I will never look like Jessica Biel (a black version of her of course) that’s done it for me. I’m Tondy and that’s good enough (I’m shaking my head right now, all that reading has gotten the best of me, I hate being so philosophical at times, STOP IT ALREADY, phew) Okay, main reason of going back to the gym is, 1) to be healthy, 2) to keep sane, 3) maybe get rid of the Asthma, and 4) losing 20 pounds will be a big bonus, (mmmm, maybe that should be the first on the list).

Since I’ve been struggling with my sanity (lack of concentration/absent mindedness) I have to tell you what happened to me a few days ago; I was in a minor car accident, minor because everyone is still alive. This is what happens when you start entertaining those little voices in your head (gosh, they can be destructive and so time consuming at times.) No I don’t need to be admitted. So, if you ask me what happened and I say “I don’t know” then honestly, I don’t know. I just remember thinking I won’t be able to brake in time. And to make matters worse a friend had asked me to pick their child from school; he was in the car with me (the kid’s still sane). Much of what I remember is giving the kid candy and feeling happy, then my mind drifted for a split second, the next thing I was exchanging insurance details and all that good stuff with some stranger. I think I was still in shock because when I finally got round to calling my hubby, I all of a sudden felt this tremendous jolt of pain on my back and in my stomach and I couldn’t breath (I know, it was my body reacting to shock). Any who that’s old now, the car is getting fixed, no one was hurt and that's what we can all hope for in an accident. It was just some not so good drama which involved me for a change. BUT good news people, “Insurance is a life saver.” A peace of advice, don’t be driving without insurance for those that feel they don’t need it, YOU DO. I know gas prices have been killing us but that $80 a month for coverage is really worth it, hell you’re spending it on lattes anyways.

Before I forget, I was going through my previous posts sometime ago (do you do that?), I hate to admit this but I noticed that I have become this, (I don’t know what to call myself) boring person I guess. Now I have this urge to do something crazy just to have something to talk about, LOL. Hell, who am I fooling, I love "my company", and I’d rather be at home with my family anyways. Who wants to be club hoping in this wet, freezing, windy Wellington? (Me, kidding! a whole lot of people I tell you!)

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Trouble in Paradise!

I’m scared, really I am. I feel like I’m fighting a war inside of me, I think its called anger, LOL. I’m laughing now but when it happens, I feel like I could do unimaginable things; things out of character. “NO!” you can’t kiss it better, I don’t want a hug, and I don’t want to be touched, I just want to be left alone. These highs and lows are very disturbing. I hear a voice trying to reason with me, it doesn’t understand the anger. That bloody voice is annoying, “Dammit, I just want to be human for once. I want to be allowed to be angry.”

I’ve been thinking about running away people, the reason I’m telling you, is so I don’t actually do it. Maybe Switzerland, they say it’s a bit like New Zealand. Honestly speaking I haven’t figured out the destination. I just need time, (which I never have enough of), to sit down and think of a game plan. I fantasize of this perfect world. In this world I’m curled up in bed reading, yes reading, all by myself. If I felt like it I could get up and do coffee on my own, yes by myself. Maybe visit a spa, maybe the mall, watch movies, and just laze around. Sounds like a vacation, I know, but I want a vacation on my own, on my lonesome. And just when I think I’ve ruined my day fantasizing and feeding my anger, it’s gone, just like that. I can think clearly, I can breathe, I can rationalize, and then I’m back. Ask me how I am; “I’m fine, just fine”….the machine is back, LOL.

When the "runaway syndrome" is on play, I search for ideas to see how other woman have done it in the past, (just for fun). Apparently, 50% of runaway wives eventually go home on their own or are easily found because they have failed, more or less intentionally, to cover their tracks. They say that the likely candidate is a 34 year old middle or upper-middle class woman who had married young, had a child less than two years after she married and another a year or two later. The husband is describes as a successful executive and the marriage partnership was felt to be intellectually unequal. I don’t know, it doesn’t sound me, oh well; that makes me harder to find.

Don’t psychoanalyze me; I’m barely proving that, I’m not perfect. Anywho, when a wife flees, her husband is at first apt to believe that she must have had an accident. "She would never do this on her own; I know her," he often says with absolute confidence. In fact, investigators report, husbands can usually offer few facts to help in the search for their wives. In other words, they really do not know them, which was probably a major cause of trouble all along. Which makes me wonder, “how well does my husband know me”? If anywhere, the only place that I would really want to flee to/in is my mother’s womb; “why the hell did I get out of there in the first place?”

I won’t lie to you and say I have a problematic relationship with my other half or anything like that. That’s not why I want to runaway; I’m too tired to start explaining. I think its pressure, pressure to please and not being able to say NO! And of course those underlying things that I never dealt with way back then, when I was supposed to.

Just before I started this post, I was speaking to a friend about marriage, and they asked me what I would do if I was in their situation. Trust me when I say I didn't want to answer that question because I would have said, (I know my friend Nto knows the answer to this one), "I would pack my belongings and move on", I won’t tell you what I said to the person, LOL, that’s between me and them. But we all know it’s not as simple as packing up and hitting the road, so I reverted to the internet, AGAIN! and I found this interesting article.

Why Love is not Enough…

The idea of falling in love is positively intoxicating. While it is perhaps the greatest of all “natural highs”, many of us judge the merit of love and attraction on the basis of “chemistry”. In spite of our hormones or perhaps, because of our hormones, lovers crave the tingly sensations associated with this revered state of happiness. Not surprisingly, many of us feel let down when the emotional surges begin to even out. Here are a few more thoughts on the matter.

Tentative Love. In the beginning, we are single, we are solo, we are alone. Like butterflies, we investigate the flowers of the field in search of possibilities. Some of us are shy, others are bold, but all of us are looking for that perfect match. In the beginning, we test out love on the basis of talk and touch. If our words connect in a way that is pleasing, we move on to touch. If the touch is pleasing, we relax just enough to let down our shields so we can examine each other’s true values. Little by little, we learn how we are alike and how we are different. Sometimes, we fool ourselves into thinking that we are more alike than different. Sometimes, we fool ourselves into thinking we are more different than alike. Sometimes, to keep from “seeming the fool”, we proceed with the relationship but secretly keep the motor running and leave one foot out of the door.

Grand Canyon Commitment. Sometimes when we pass each other’s tests and we pledge our undying loyalty to each other, we also make a commitment to remain together forever. At this point, our love begins to multiply! Our extended families become a very real part of the picture, maybe we add some children, some pets, and a mortgage, and then poof, we become citizens in a much more complicated and demanding family system. Couples who keep talking, touching and deciding things together, soon find that they can co-command any size ship from a rowboat to an aircraft carrier. However, without the talking and the touching and deciding things together, life can become as unsteady as a canoe.

Temporary Insanity. Sometimes, just when we think we have everything, our eyes can begin to play tricks. We look in the mirror but we cannot see ourselves. Of course, we have changed but if we no longer recognize ourselves, we may start to grieve for the person we used to be. If we have stopped talking and touching and deciding things together, we may feel lost and look around to see where we fit in. From this semi-connected state, it is easy to become disconnected from our primary relationship and get hijacked into a new connection through a series of small and quiet interactions with a third party.

Before we know what’s happening, a kind of brainwashing can occur, complete with its own chemistry. Like addicts to a drug, we may lie, steal and cheat in order to aid in our own abduction. Like a storm, extra-marital affairs affect everyone in their path but the real damage is done to the sacred trust we call loyalty, which lies at the very heart of the relationship. My own research suggests that love is important and it’s important to feel satisfied with love in a relationship. In the quest for marital satisfaction, however, love itself is not enough! You must also be able to trust your partner when your back is turned! In other words, to a very large extent, satisfaction in marriage depends on our satisfaction with loyalty in the relationship

Eternal Love. What a gift it is, when you’ve spent the majority of your years together, raised children, and fallen in love with your grandchildren, to still stand beside your mate, still talking, touching and deciding things together. Those who know about this sense of eternal love, have mastered the fine arts of love and loyalty, and have built their lives upon the foundation of their shared values. Those who share eternal love are natural mentors for marital satisfaction. Their love becomes an admired legacy for many generations that follow.

In a perfect world, each of us would easily find our own perfect mate. Like a truth serum, finding love would inspire us to open up and reveal our authentic selves to our beloved. In a perfect world, we would always be non-judgmental, supportive and respectful of each other during both difficult and happy seasons of our lives. In a perfect world, love would be regarded as a precious resource that should never be taken for granted. In a perfect world, neither of us would have to be perfect people; we would just naturally be perfect for each other!

©Copyright, 2005, Jane R. Rosen-Grandon. All rights reserved.

Mmmm…. “I’m scratching my head there”. I think I’m experiencing temporary insanity.

It just seems I’m all over the place nowadays. How did we start on the marriage thing again, LOL? So, have you thought of escaping? Where are you in your marriage, partnership, relationship, etc?????? Food for thought people, food for thoought!

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Rescures and Pleasers

Phew, the school term is over. I was really struggling this term with the never ending activities, swimming lessons, play center, coffees, etc... I don’t even know why I signed up for another term of play center, I wasn’t enjoying it. Okay, so I understand it’s for Samara but I also have to want to take her, right? I think I have a problem; I can’t say NO; whose fault? MINE! It’s time I did a thorough clean up job of my life, seriously. I’m becoming a lazy, fat bitch who’s constantly sorting other people’s problems, and never my own. SO I know my husband is going to kill me for saying this but I just have to say it (he's tired of me quoting the book). In the book I’m reading I’ve identified myself, (hey look at least I'm willing to accept the negative). This is what they say about people like me (not all of is true to me though, lol).

“Then there are the rescuers and the pleasers. These are those people, who feel they must make everything right or solve everyone’s problems, so they keep their antenna poised, always looking for people to help. They seemingly feel responsible for each person’s ills and want to have the solutions for everyone else, but are usually unable to see their own problems. Generally, the rescuer or pleaser is suffering from deep-seeded feelings of rejection (which they don’t realize). It is this type of person who often has numerous health problems.”

On the looking for people to help, I disagree. I feel people find it easier to talk to me because I listen more than I talk. The problem comes when I start putting my own two senses. I tend to be a bit brutal. Again, LOL, the book says;

“We may still recognize when someone would be happier if they chose to change, but we should also understand that it’s easier for us to allow them to change in their own way and at their own speed without our help – as we are not responsible for making that change in them.”

FULLSTOP! No more book talk in this post. So right now I’m trying to figure out what to do with my life, just reflect on the things I enjoy and maybe come up with, maybe, a career, or something. I remember Mpostory (one of my readers) saying maybe the Finance stuff is not me, I don’t know, maybe? So those that know me, or think they know me through reading my blog, any suggestions?

This was a post about nothing really. I have a few issues lined up in the agenda, some home hitting topics that may get me into trouble, at the present moment as I think about them, I’m not too cared. At the end of the day, it’s my truth.

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The language of Feelings

Of all the languages in the world, the most difficult to communicate is the language of feelings. One of our greatest challenges as human beings is to effectively communicate with other people what we truly feel. Perhaps the most significant and consequential challenge we face, is acquiring the ability to communicate congruently with ourselves.

Have you ever felt as if there was a time bomb inside you ready to explode at any second, yet you were unable to identify the source of this feeling? Have you experienced one day where an ordinary task was easy and then the next day it was an impossible, gigantic mountain to climb?

Have you ever had the feeling of being two (or more) separate individuals or of being someone totally different from yourself – wondering who the REAL you was, or where the real you had gone?

Perhaps for some unexplainable reason you have been touchy or agitated for longer periods of time than you would like – maybe even unleashing verbiage or exhibiting behavior that was unworthy of you.

Have you ever had the feeling that you were two enemies (or more) who were constantly fighting each other – as if there was a war going on inside you? Or perhaps you’ve experienced sleepless night after night for no apparent reason.

Have you ever felt no one understood you? Or, even, and perhaps worse, that you didn’t understand yourself? What causes these disquieting moments – these uncomfortable feelings and this internal conflict.

If you recognize yourself in the above examples or have experienced similar frustrations, I would suggest to you the possibility that you could be suffering from unresolved, repressed and suppressed negative feelings you thought you had taken care of – feelings you thought were dead and gone. What you may not realize is that when negative feelings are not resolved as they occur, these feelings remain very much alive in your physical energy (body) and these affect each day of your life. In other words, unresolved “FEELINGS BURIED ALIVE, NEVER DIE!”

These buried feelings are very real. They are energies in and of themselves. They are alive, living, and constantly affecting you. These buried feelings have a personality, and these feelings that have been buried alive will, of necessity, have to manifest themselves sooner or later.

Somehow, somewhere, in some aspect of your life the effect of these negative feelings WILL be realized.

In Karol K. Truman’s words, Feelings Buried Alive Never Die

I know that there are a few people going through a lot right now, myself included; people who are asking themselves questions or trying to explain and make sense of their feelings and behavior. So being the GREAT person I am, LOL, I thought I should share a few of Karol K. Truman’s words.

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Samara Chiedza Ndoro is ONE!

Samara is one today; wow! It's hard to imagine what my life was like before her. I have never known such joy and love than the love you give to your child, and the love they give in return. I won't say much about my mothering or about Sammy, WHY? Because it could get boring up in herrr. Not everyone enjoys hearing about other people's children. But what I will do is give a shout out to Sammy, "Have a blessed life my child."

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